


A Brother To Us

by princessofthedeadsheep



Series: A Step in the Wrong Direction [1]
Category: Code Lyoko
Genre: Epic Friendship, Families of Choice, Family, Family Issues, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Team as Family, Unconventional Families
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 06:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2098665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessofthedeadsheep/pseuds/princessofthedeadsheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I read a headcanon somewhere, a long time ago about Odd being a self harmer, due to the comments he makes about his sisters and the fact that he always wears such long sleeves. This was the result. This takes place sometime in season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Brother To Us

**Author's Note:**

> As a quick note, this is my first story with self harm in it. If you have any feedback about it, I would be delighted to hear it, and I don't mind if you would like to correct me on something you feel doesn't fit in- I have never cut myself and so I was not writing this from experience, but rather from what I've heard of other's experiences.

In the beginning Odd had been so paranoid about being caught he had been aware of every sound, every creep, and so he had done so only when he knew he was alone, sometimes sneaking off to other places which while more risky and less comfortable and allowed him to get the relief he needed. Odd wasn't used to sharing a room, since he was the only boy in his family, so paranoia could have been expected of him, really. After a while he learned how to easily keep it in his and Ulrich's room without Ulrich finding out, but then he let his guard down. The first time Ulrich had walked in, Ulrich had been distracted, angry over something Odd had done, and Odd had been able to stonewall, keeping Ulrich distracted with his anger and hiding the razor, very barely. That wasn't going to happen this time.

"Odd, what are you doing?" Ulrich stopped just inside the room, having just shut the door upon seeing Odd.

"Nothing." Odd shoved his razor blade under the covers. He hadn't been paying attention, had been too wrapped up in what he was doing...the release of it. The good feeling in the sting. His sleeve fell over his arm, obscuring the truth from view.

"If it's 'nothing' why do you need to hide it? Why do you look so nervous?" Ulrich inched closer, causing Odd to flinch back towards the wall, accidently pushing the covers of his bed back and revealing the bloody razor. There was a smear of blood on his blanket and sheet as well. Odd closed his eyes and looked away from the razor, knowing Ulrich had seen it. "Odd... did you use this on yourself?" The question was quiet, and it wasn't one Odd was willing to answer.

"N-no of course not!" he responded too quickly. "I just cut myself because I didn't know that was there is all. I really was doing nothing when you came in, I was just going to-" he had reached for the blade but Ulrich's hand, quick as a flash, grabbed his, stopping him from reaching it.

"Then why," he asked in an even softer tone, "is there blood staining your sleeve from the inside?" Odd looked down and realized, to his horror, it was true. Blood was expanding across his sleeve and was clearly from the wounds beneath it.

"That's the part that I scraped myself with!" Odd gave a nervous laugh that sounded nothing like his normal one. Ulrich looked at him and Odd could tell he wasn't buying it. Without another word Ulrich let go of Odd's hand, walked over to their desk and picked up a tissue, picked up the blade, and walked out. He returned a minute later without it. Odd hoped that this was as far as it would go, but he wasn't that lucky.

"I'm not going to bother with the excuse you told me. We both know that isn't the truth. Odd, how long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on?" Odd would not give up easily. Ulrich's gaze remained steady on his best friend.

"How long have you been cutting yourself?" Odd looked away, not able to look at the serious look on Ulrich's face. He fiddled with his sleeve and tried to ignore the bleeding, ignore Ulrich, ignore everything. "Odd, I won't tell anyone. You can trust me." Odd looked up at Ulrich, barely meeting his eyes, and then he relented.

"Since I was ten." he muttered, once again staring at his stained sleeve. "I started after Adele's birthday, when she locked me in the bathroom so I'd stop bothering her and her friends. I... they were right there... it was just too tempting... and I felt so relieved..." Odd bit his lip. His voice had been almost nonexistent but Ulrich heard him. It was the first time he'd said anything, and even though he was scared there was a comfort in confiding in Ulrich.

"No one else knows?" Odd looked up at Ulrich, shaking his head sharply.

"I was too careful. I never would have heard the end of it from my sisters if they found out." Ulrich just nodded at that. There was silence between them for a moment before Ulrich kneeled in front of Odd's bed.

"Let me see." he said. Hesitantly, Odd held out his arm to Ulrich. Ulrich took it and pushed back Odd's sleeve. There were five scratches on his arm, but Ulrich could see more, the scars of the healed cuts and ones still healing... They were all over Odd's arm. These five were in a line down the front of his wrist, one right after the other. Two of them still bled sluggishly, but the other three were merely red and sore looking. "Do you have anything?" Ulrich asked, and Odd motioned to another part of his bed. Flipping up the covers revealed a small amount of antiseptic wipes, gauze, and medical tape. Ulrich began to use them on Odd's arm.

"When I'm done with this, I want you to show me where you keep any razors and other stuff you use to do this. Then, you're going to go hang out with Aelita and Jeremy. Tell them I kicked you out or something. I'll come get you when I'm done."

"Done what?" Odd asked.

"Done searching the room and making sure there isn't anything here you could hurt yourself with." Odd was silent after that and Ulrich tied the bandage on his arm. "You should change your shirt." Odd nodded. As he got up to do so, he pulled out one of the drawers in his desk, all the way out, and he handed it to Ulrich. Ulrich took one look and understood.

It took only moments for Odd to change his shirt and get ready to leave. He walked to the door, and was about to open it when Ulrich said his name. Odd turned.

"You know I'm here for you. If you ever feel like doing this again... ever... come to me. I don't care how mad I am, or how upset, if you are feeling like you need to do this, you tell me, alright?"

"Yeah, alright." Odd said. He left. He fed the bullshit story to Aelita and Jeremy, who were busy doing some code for Lyoko and ignored him, and he tried to figure out what he was feeling. There was relief there, from being believed. There was a fear as well, because he knew Ulrich had been serious. Ulrich wasn't going to let him do this to himself anymore. But wasn't that a good thing? Wasn't that where the relief came in? When someone was going to help? He wasn't sure if Ulrich could help, but the fact that he was willing to try actually made Odd feel better.

CLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCL

Odd didn't really like the new rules that Ulrich ran the dorm room by. No scissors, no needles, no razors, no pins even. Since Odd didn't need to shave, Ulrich had forbidden him from getting a razor at all, and had cleaned out his stock. Ulrich really had searched their room, and now every hiding spot he'd had was gone.

He understood and even accepted what Ulrich had done, but he found it very annoying even so. He resisted even though a part of him needed it, and he understood that. It was watching the darkness and seeing the light but not believing it was real so much that it wasn't real, that it was definitely a lie.

He followed Ulrich's rules. Sometimes he argued or fought or raged, especially when the days were bad and he really needed, but couldn't have and he fought Ulrich who stood there and took it all, would speak in a calm tone that made raging at him feel so small as well as so wonderful but so empty because yelling at someone who doesn't react sucks and he can't find it in himself to keep yelling. So many times he found himself crying in Ulrich's arms and he wonders, sometimes, if no one ever hears their arguments, or if Ulrich just makes sure no one asks Odd why.

Ulrich was the perfect caretaker. He was too kind, in some ways, to let Odd continue to hurt himself, but he remembered the darkness just as well, and he wouldn't see Odd fall to it like others had. Sometimes it was those fights that solved their actual arguments, those breakdowns that made things alright between them.

Ulrich found so many ways to help Odd, so many things he could do rather than hurt himself, and made sure Odd knew them. Taped to the underside of the topmost drawer where once there were razor blades that were bloodstained now there was a list and markers and instant cold packets and other assorted items that supposedly help that Ulrich would add to whenever he found something.

Time healed Odd's arms, the scars faded some, but they never left. Odd hid his arms as he always did, and no one asked questions, and they weren't given any answers. The rules were not brought up when others were in the room, simply because that wasn't the way things were run. Ulrich took care of Odd, like the big brother Odd had always wished he could have had. They didn't talk about that, either.

CLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCL

Odd thought he was going to go insane. Before this had even begun he had been so stressed, thinking about his sisters, Louise and Adele, coming over with his parents to watch his most recent film. He could already hear the knives in their words and it was destroying his day, and then, to top things off, Xana had attacked and when he went to Lyoko he was captured by the Scyphozoa and he had no idea how much more he could take- his heart was racing and his thoughts were scrambled- and he stumbled out of the scanner like a drunk man. His eyes raced around the room, constantly moving, looking for something he could use to escape, any kind of an escape, from his beating heart and intense need to cry out and scream. He raced toward the elevator door only to suddenly find himself pinned to the wall.

Ulrich was looking at him the way he did when something was very wrong and he wasn't letting Odd out of the room because it just would not be a smart thing to do. "Jeremy, you need to go over Odd's materialization right now!" He lowered his voice some, looking directly into Odd's eyes "Odd you need to calm down. I know your upset right now but you don't want to do this." Perhaps he didn't, but Odd didn't know what he wanted. The need was overriding all else, the need turning to pain.

"Please Ulrich… I need to… let me go…" Odd's eyes were darting around, unfocused, unclear. He struggled, forcing Ulrich to pin him down further.

"You need to get him back into the scanner." Jeremy's voice, full of forced calm came through from above them. "Aelita, Yumi, while Odd is in the scanner come up here with me." Normally the girls would have said something, but Ulrich shot them a look that had them silent and waiting.

"Odd, I want you to listen to me." Ulrich spoke in that calm measured voice. "I want you to think of something that brings you peace. Something that doesn't give you any stress at all. Close your eyes and think only of that." Odd did as Ulrich said, food coming to mind. He thought of all his favorite foods and found himself stop fighting Ulrich off. He was still tense, but he stopped moving. Ulrich let him go and he stayed in the same position. "Alright, I'm going to walk with you now, okay? Just keep thinking of whatever you're thinking of, we'll walk nice and slow." Odd felt Ulrich's arm go around his side as Ulrich slowly pulled him away from the wall. In reflex, Odd gripped Ulrich tightly. "You alright?" Ulrich asked immediately.

Odd only nodded. Slowly, they made their way to the scanner. Odd could feel the eyes of the girls on him, and he shrank further into Ulrich who continued to hold him up. He felt as he was gently placed inside the scanner but was reluctant to let go of Ulrich. "Hey Odd, I'm going to be right here the whole time, okay? You just keep thinking about what you were thinking about. Keep calm, alright?" Reluctantly, Odd let go.

The scanner took far too long, and during that time Odd's inner critic hit levels of inner hatred that he had not heard in so long. When the scanner was done, the doors opened and he fell out into Ulrich's arms with tears swimming in his eyes. "I've got you, you're alright Odd. Come on, this way." It was slow going, but they made it to the elevator and headed to where the others were. When they came in, Odd couldn't look at them, for fear of what he'd find on their faces. Instead he stared at the ground as Ulrich led him towards the computer chair.

"I've finished the scan." Jeremy said. "From what I can see, Odd's existing emotions were heightened by the Scyphozoa so that he wouldn't be able to function."

"Odd," Ulrich asked, "What kind of day was it before we went on Lyoko? A good day or a bad day?"

"Bad day. Nine." Odd muttered. He felt Ulrich's chest heave upward as he sighed.

"You shouldn't have come with us if it was that bad a day."

"I didn't think it would be a problem! I figured it would take my mind off things. I'm so stupid." He could see in his mind's eye the expression that he knew would be on Ulrich's face right about now. It was a pinched look that held outrage and sadness and an understanding (the outrage was for his sisters, the sadness and understanding for him). Odd lost his ability to stand up straight and felt his knees give. Ulrich grunted as he held onto Odd before he slid them both to the floor, Odd ending up in an embrace on his lap. Odd curled into him, face in his chest as the tears started up again.

"You are not stupid Odd, I don't care what anyone else says. Your grades are low because you don't care about them, not because you're dumb."

"I am though." It was said so quietly it almost couldn't be heard.

"Odd I know right now you're feeling really down, but I need you to remember that all those things you keep telling yourself aren't true. None of us think so. You know that. You're our friend Odd, and we don't think you're stupid, or worthless. We're glad you're here. You need to remember that right now."

"Ulrich's right Odd." Jeremy had gotten off of the chair and was on the floor next to it, looking at Odd with a kind expression that showed nothing but honesty. "You're very important to us. You've been a good friend to us, and we appreciate it, and I can't think of what all this would have been like without you here to help lighten things up. You've helped me out so many times… Aelita and Yumi too!" The girls nodded hurriedly. They too were now kneeling on the floor to be on eye level with Odd.

"I know you all find me annoying, don't lie!" Odd's tears were smeared across his face, falling onto his fingers. "And I'm not strong and I'm not very useful and all I do is eat and I'm not even worth the space I take up."

"Odd, how many times have I told you that isn't true?" Ulrich gave Odd a squeeze, "Your sisters have been horrible to you, and given you all these awful ideas, and they had no right to do half the things they did to you. They and we have different talents then you do, and you aren't required to measure up to those standards. You are important Odd, and even if you annoy us sometimes, that doesn't mean we don't like you, or that we don't want you around. No matter what your sisters have convinced you to think."

"Odd… you're like a brother to us." Yumi smiled at Odd as he finally turned her way. "And even though brothers can be annoying and get in the way, they're still people we love. True family doesn't hurt each other like that. Especially when we get to choose them. Odd, we love you." She reached out and wiped some of the tears from his face.

"All of you?" Odd asked.

"Of course!" Aelita leaned over and gave him a fierce hug.

"Definitely." Jeremy grinned at him, and he leaned forward and gave his arm a squeeze.

"All of us Odd. We love you. We're family." Ulrich moved a bit so that Odd could see his face. "Feeling better?" Odd nodded.

"Yeah. I still feel like I need to... but not so much now. I can handle it."

"And if you can't?"

"I'll tell you." Odd wiggled out of Ulrich's grip. Ulrich let him go with a mock roll of his eyes and a smile. "We should go now. I need to be there for the showing of my film." Ulrich immediately went on edge. Noticing, Aelita immediately piped up.

"Are you up for that? I mean we can stay here and do a return to the past to give you more time if you want. At least to let the effects of what Xana's done wear off."

"Yeah Odd." Ulrich frowned. "We don't want you to be put under too much more stress before the viewing, especially what with the Scyphozoa screwing with your emotions."

"It will wear off in about four hours' time." Jeremy put in, looking a bit anxious. "The viewing is in two. You might be better off. I'm sure you would want to be able to enjoy everything."

"I will." Odd said with a grin. "All my emotions are intensified? Well that just means I'll be happier than ever! Come on, let's go!" Odd started to get up, and the rest followed him with exasperated fondness, out of the factory.

CLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCLCL

Shortly after they left, they were introduced to the members of Odd's family they hadn't met. Namely, two of his sisters, who were clearly there against their wishes. The subsequent greeting of "Hi brat" didn't even seem to garner a reaction from Odd's parents, but all of the Lyoko warriors, remembering what Ulrich had said, were very stiff with them. Luckily they weren't there for very long before the viewing, and they had to leave that day. Unluckily, Odd had to go out to dinner with them, and he returned in far worse spirits then he left. He returned to his and Ulrich's room, fully expecting it to be empty, and everyone else in Jeremy's room, where they usually collected.

He couldn't have been more surprised that all of his friends were there, clearly waiting for him. Aelita was on his bed, petting the happy Kiwi, Yumi was lounging on a desk chair while Ulrich and Jeremy were settled on Ulrich's bed. They all looked up at his arrival.

"You didn't think that after this afternoon we'd just let you go and that'd be the end of it, did you?" Yumi's eyebrow was raised, amusement on her face.

"Uh...yes?" Odd gave one of his charming smiles.

"After today, we'll leave it alone, but right now, we want to make sure you're alright." Aelita said. "You were very upset today."

"Speaking of which, how are you feeling?" Ulrich leaned forward, fixing Odd with one of his more serious looks. Odd gave him a fairly solid real smile, which held only a hint of sadness.

"About a six." He admitted. "Adele and Louise had a lot to say about my work, but mostly I was able to ignore it. I didn't let it bring me down too much."

"Good. No one else does, so why give them the pleasure?" Ulrich gave Odd a small smile himself, which quickly turned into a smug smile. "And it was really good."

"It was hilarious!" Aelita's good mood was as infectious as always, and they were all grinning.

"You're very talented at directing Odd." Yumi said.

"Most definitely. Though I don't know how you get away with all the things you do to make your films." Jeremy adjusted his glasses. "Sissy looked like she was going to deck you."

"She might still." Aelita giggled. "I think she's waiting for the most embarrassing time she can."

"She'll be disappointed. I'm not going to make it easier for her." Odd grinned, feeling more at ease than he had in a long time.


End file.
